I knew it was there but I was trying to hide from it. There’s no more hiding now it’s been officially diagnosed (again).
Now I’m three for three. Three kids, three episodes of PND. Two have been diagnosed but of course there was the first (and worst) episode as well. At least now that hubby had the snip last week (more on that later) it will be the last.
* * * * *
I feel crap because it means weaning The Baby onto formula so I can take my meds & feel better. Prozac anyone?
I feel crap because it feels like a relief that I can wean him on doctor’s advice which means I can have a break.
I feel crap that I’m not resisting, that I’m not asking for a breastfeeding friendly medication & that I’m giving in for selfish reasons. Because I want to feel better & the doctor has suggested this is the best, safest medication for me.
And then I just generally feel all around crap.
* * * * *
It’s not a nice place to be, in the land of feeling worthless, useless and unhappy. I’m not sad per say, just not happy. Not me. Just not anything.
I tried to get past it on my own, but to no avail. My doctor told me that it’s hormonal & I’ll have the blood tests back tomorrow to prove it. No amount of talking or doing “things” to try and cheer up will help. I need to get my hormones back on track. Sad thing is that it doesn’t make me feel any better.
I still feel like an epic failure.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Hang in there. I too am back on the meds. It’s tough but its just what needs to be done. I am learning not to fight it and just accept this is just part of the process post baby
Huuge hugs. PND… depression of all kinds… is a nasty, lying, malicious b****. Do not believe a word it tells you. You are a good Mum, you are worthy of happiness and you are doing the RIGHT thing by the baby and your big kids in seeking help and pursuing healing. Hoping that you start to see a shift very soon. xox
Do you read The Bloggess? I think she was said something very true and powerful when she wrote, “Depression lies.” Absolutely, it does.
You’re not a failure.
You know that to take care of your children, you have to take care of you. That’s what you’re doing. I also think you’re offering something important to other mothers out there by sharing what you’re going through. I know I appreciate that.
{ 1 trackback }